Cobra Commander will take over the world after dealing wit his hos. Fool
A reinactment of McCarthy's Red Scare. And how balls-retarded it was.
Chemo always struts. Always
Japan just invaded America. And my mind.
I DONT OWN THIS MOVIE!
Labyrinth is a great kids-movie from the 80s.
It was Jeniffer Connely's first film & the mind-child of Jim Henson's insane storytelling & George Lucas' badassery.
It is a musical filled w/ happy & WTF moments
It starts with Connely's character, Sarah, a teenager w/ nothing better to do than cosplay & read from her favorite book, named LABYRINTH, reciting lines you'll hear again.
It rains & her & her mutt, Merlin go home at 7 pm (gasp, so late!)
Her stepmother & father are going out & want her to watch her never-stops-crying brother Toby. (played by one of the artists' son)
She whines & whines telling pieces from the book, (specifically the ones about stealing babies who wont shut up) to her irritant baby bro, cause that would totally work. Eventually she gets pissed & accidentally calls the "Goblins," the antagonist of the book to take the baby away.
When this does happen shes awestruck at it. The screen twirls & an owl you see alot bust the window open & turns into the Goblin King, who doesn't look like a Goblin at all. Its actually David Bowie in his movie-going times back when people didnt know he was bi & he had a small career.
He tries to give her an acyrlic, which when contact-juggled (near-impossibly, by a guy standing behind Bowie, which I doubt she could do to begin w/) its shows your wants & dreams.
Obviously not the stickler for clear orb-juggling, she demands her brother back. The entire room disappears & The King, Jareth by name, tells her she has to go through his mystical labyrinth of danger to get to Goblin City & get the baby back herself. And she has 13 hrs to do this.
She finds a dwarf pissing named Hoggle (actually a very intricate puppet) who everyone seems to mispronounce his name. He's killing fairies because they are the mosquitos of the Labyrinth as Sarah finds out when one bites her.
After goding him a lot he opens a magical door which appears out of nowhere ( alot of things do in this movie) & she enters.
She whines that it goes on in one direction & doesnt change. Then she meets a british worm with a scarf that shows her another path, while pestering her to come inside. He misleads her into going away from the castle, seeing as that would cause trouble.
She wanders as Jareth sings to her brother & actually succeeds in making his stop crying.
Shes been marking her path w/ lipstick, but tiny goblins just turn the cobblestones around to confuse her. She then meets Alph & Ralph, the 4 Guards, who are a pair of two combined by a sheild
Then they propose a "one-liar, one-truth teller" puzzle to go to the center of the Labyrinth.
The red one lies & confuses her. The blue one contains a path that leads to "Certain Death." Not being bright she chooses that one. She falls into a 40-ft hole filled w/ "helping hands" that talk & make faces (REALLY!)
Once again not being very bright she chooses to go down the hole into an oubliette (dungeon).
Hoggle is there & suggests her to just leave the Labyrinth. She gives him a plastic bracelet & he opens a door to a pot that goes back into the Labyrinth.
They go into a cave filled w/ carved stone heads that tell them not to go that way, one even claiming "oh, please, I haven't said anything for such a long time," when they ignore him. Jareth finds them & turns Sarah's time limit forward a few hours cause hes a douche then creates a giant tank/moving knife machine called "the Cleaners".
They dodge them by breaking a door down & come back to the Labyrinth by climbing a ladder that leads up to it through a decorative pot.
She steals Hoggles jewels to make him help her through the Labyrinth. An old dude w/ an annoying-as-hell Mexican bird for a hat, gives them some very little insight as "the way forward is sometimes the way back." The old man falls asleep & Sarah gives him a ring for their non-existant help. The hat laughs at them being suckers as they leave.
They find theyselves in a hedge-maze instead of stone one now. Hoggle hears a loud roar & runs off, scared shitless. Sarah finds its a Wookiee lookin' beast called Ludo being attacked by Goblins. It can summon rocks because "Rocks friends" Ludo talk like caveman do, leaving very more primitive idea to Ludo not being bright also. He's more like a big, talking dog. Or a giant slow kid who just wants to help out. She frees him by throwing rocks at the goblins. They find another puzzle involving two door knockers that talk, one w/ a ring in his ears & one in his mouth. They remove the ring from the one's mouth & he tells them just choose one of them since they dont know where they go. The other one just bitches because hes basically deaf. They replace his mouth bit & knock, opening the door. The knockers act & sound like the Muppet Hecklers. ya know "That skit sucks. Oohohohohohoho!"
They enter a creepy forest, where Ludo falls into a trap door and disappears. Sarah's scared shitless as these irritating, self-dismembering bird-men called the Fire Gang come & annoy her with a dance & song. They seem to be unaware that normal humans cant remove their heads safely & try to force Sarah to do so. She's saved by Hoggle, who works for Jareth, because hes a pussy & Jareth will send him to the Bog of Eternal Stench if he disobeys him. The Bog, which they enter when Sarah kisses Hoggle (something that jareth said would send him their immediately), is a festering swamp filled w/ fart noises & most likely smells proficiently like shit.
They find Ludo & meet an equestrian fox noble thing that tells them they cannot pass the bridge unless defeat him. Ludo does. They get his permission & Hoggle runs across first. The bridge breaks when Sarah tries to cross, leaving her hanging on a branch over the Bog, which will also make you smell as bad if you touch it. Ludo summons rocks for stepping stones that fart when you step on them. They all pass as well as the fox, Sir Didymus, who rides on a dog similar to Merlin, called Ambrosious that has a penchant for pussying out when trouble rears.
Sarah whines that shes hungry & Hoggle gives her a poisoned peach that Jarerth ordered him to give to her. She starts trippin on it & blacks out. She wakes up in a ballroom masquerade & dances w/ Jareth. She sees that the time has gone down severely & shatters a window w/ a chair, saving her from the intoxicating dream & song.
She wakes up in a dump,amniesiac, meeting a bitchy merchant women covered in junk. She takes Sarah to her room identical to her real one & starts piling her favorite stuff on her so that she could become a creepy junk hag materialist like her. Sarah sees the book & remembers her mission, the room then collapses & Ludo & Didymus salvage her from the wreck. They go to the gate to Goblin City guarded seemingly by one inept guard, who Didymus smacks claiming he'll kick his ass, because Didymus is a overconfident dumbass.
They drag him away and are met by a bigass robot named Humungous
It looks really pissed off.
Hoggle shows up & knocks off Humungous head & tosses out the pilot. He eventually breaks it & they go to Goblin City. They fight armies of Goblins until Ludo summons more rocks that crush all the goblins.
Sarah goes into the castle & claims that she must face Jareth alone, because thats "the way its supposed to be" or i guess like in her book.
Jareth's room is a recreation of M.C. Escher famous painting.
There's another creepy song as Jareth stalks Sarah as she tries to catch the gravity-defying Toby. Eventually, she jumps from a very high spot to catch Toby & instead falls into a new plane of existance w/ Jareth wearing what looks like several swans bodies. He tells he'll do anything if she will become his subordinate & let him be more than her weird fantasy. She uses the lines from the beginning of the movie to destroy him & the Labyrinth.
She wakes up in her room & finds Toby in bed. She sees her Labyrinth buddies in the mirror of her room & says she'll always needs them, inciting a party. Outside, we see the Jareth-owl watching her & it flies off.
Thats Labyrinth. Best kids-movie ive seen in a while.
Connely & Bowie make a great acting pair. Its funny & action packed.
The music is very Bowie & therefore very 80s.
Its the 80s fantasy movie.
All the movie with the less you have to see of it. I just saved an hour or so of your life.
Not that it would be wasted watching this great film. Id say its full w/ continuity errors but they can easily all be explained. Its the Labyrinth, nothing supposed to stay the same or make sense.
If you dont believe me, wiki it. or imdb it
