The impossible ages.
A time in video games when you were downright guaranteed to lose.
Repeatedly.
And you would be intensely, abusively frustrated at them.
Such games came up about the time of SNES & Atari's later games.
Such games included the Ghouls & Goblins series, & everything listed by the Angry Video Game Nerd (youtube it)
These games were damn near impossible to beat due to the low health & stamina of your character & the subsequent onslaught of insane bad guys that NEVER ENDED!
They would give you low if not harmless weapons & send millions of baddies against you.
The only upside is its realistic.
One man in armor will not be able to kill millions of zombies & ghosts even the Devil wearing a pair of armor & at best throwing magic at them. Its the constructions of it all. Apparently being attacked wont kill you fangoriously, but strip you to your boxers. Cant Arthur at least wear something under there, geez.
I cant get past the 2nd, 3rd, or even 1st levels in some of theses crapfests. Luckily the CCC has 21 other games to hold my interest.
More posts momentarily!
If you dont believe me, go to a blog! Mine! Or play the games! Or just wiki it, i coined the phrase so it might not be on there.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Movie Super-Synopsis# 1: Labyrinth
STOP READING!
THIS WILL REVEAL ALL SPOILERS TO SAID MOVIE & WILL RUIN YOUR NEED TO SEE IT!
IF THIS UPSETS YOU DO NOT READ IT!
THIS WILL REVEAL ALL SPOILERS TO SAID MOVIE & WILL RUIN YOUR NEED TO SEE IT!
IF THIS UPSETS YOU DO NOT READ IT!
I DONT OWN THIS MOVIE!
Labyrinth is a great kids-movie from the 80s.
It was Jeniffer Connely's first film & the mind-child of Jim Henson's insane storytelling & George Lucas' badassery.
It is a musical filled w/ happy & WTF moments
It starts with Connely's character, Sarah, a teenager w/ nothing better to do than cosplay & read from her favorite book, named LABYRINTH, reciting lines you'll hear again.
It rains & her & her mutt, Merlin go home at 7 pm (gasp, so late!)
Her stepmother & father are going out & want her to watch her never-stops-crying brother Toby. (played by one of the artists' son)
She whines & whines telling pieces from the book, (specifically the ones about stealing babies who wont shut up) to her irritant baby bro, cause that would totally work. Eventually she gets pissed & accidentally calls the "Goblins," the antagonist of the book to take the baby away.
When this does happen shes awestruck at it. The screen twirls & an owl you see alot bust the window open & turns into the Goblin King, who doesn't look like a Goblin at all. Its actually David Bowie in his movie-going times back when people didnt know he was bi & he had a small career.
He tries to give her an acyrlic, which when contact-juggled (near-impossibly, by a guy standing behind Bowie, which I doubt she could do to begin w/) its shows your wants & dreams.
Obviously not the stickler for clear orb-juggling, she demands her brother back. The entire room disappears & The King, Jareth by name, tells her she has to go through his mystical labyrinth of danger to get to Goblin City & get the baby back herself. And she has 13 hrs to do this.
She finds a dwarf pissing named Hoggle (actually a very intricate puppet) who everyone seems to mispronounce his name. He's killing fairies because they are the mosquitos of the Labyrinth as Sarah finds out when one bites her.
After goding him a lot he opens a magical door which appears out of nowhere ( alot of things do in this movie) & she enters.
She whines that it goes on in one direction & doesnt change. Then she meets a british worm with a scarf that shows her another path, while pestering her to come inside. He misleads her into going away from the castle, seeing as that would cause trouble.
She wanders as Jareth sings to her brother & actually succeeds in making his stop crying.
Shes been marking her path w/ lipstick, but tiny goblins just turn the cobblestones around to confuse her. She then meets Alph & Ralph, the 4 Guards, who are a pair of two combined by a sheild
Then they propose a "one-liar, one-truth teller" puzzle to go to the center of the Labyrinth.
The red one lies & confuses her. The blue one contains a path that leads to "Certain Death." Not being bright she chooses that one. She falls into a 40-ft hole filled w/ "helping hands" that talk & make faces (REALLY!)
Once again not being very bright she chooses to go down the hole into an oubliette (dungeon).
Hoggle is there & suggests her to just leave the Labyrinth. She gives him a plastic bracelet & he opens a door to a pot that goes back into the Labyrinth.
They go into a cave filled w/ carved stone heads that tell them not to go that way, one even claiming "oh, please, I haven't said anything for such a long time," when they ignore him. Jareth finds them & turns Sarah's time limit forward a few hours cause hes a douche then creates a giant tank/moving knife machine called "the Cleaners".
They dodge them by breaking a door down & come back to the Labyrinth by climbing a ladder that leads up to it through a decorative pot.
She steals Hoggles jewels to make him help her through the Labyrinth. An old dude w/ an annoying-as-hell Mexican bird for a hat, gives them some very little insight as "the way forward is sometimes the way back." The old man falls asleep & Sarah gives him a ring for their non-existant help. The hat laughs at them being suckers as they leave.
They find theyselves in a hedge-maze instead of stone one now. Hoggle hears a loud roar & runs off, scared shitless. Sarah finds its a Wookiee lookin' beast called Ludo being attacked by Goblins. It can summon rocks because "Rocks friends" Ludo talk like caveman do, leaving very more primitive idea to Ludo not being bright also. He's more like a big, talking dog. Or a giant slow kid who just wants to help out. She frees him by throwing rocks at the goblins. They find another puzzle involving two door knockers that talk, one w/ a ring in his ears & one in his mouth. They remove the ring from the one's mouth & he tells them just choose one of them since they dont know where they go. The other one just bitches because hes basically deaf. They replace his mouth bit & knock, opening the door. The knockers act & sound like the Muppet Hecklers. ya know "That skit sucks. Oohohohohohoho!"
They enter a creepy forest, where Ludo falls into a trap door and disappears. Sarah's scared shitless as these irritating, self-dismembering bird-men called the Fire Gang come & annoy her with a dance & song. They seem to be unaware that normal humans cant remove their heads safely & try to force Sarah to do so. She's saved by Hoggle, who works for Jareth, because hes a pussy & Jareth will send him to the Bog of Eternal Stench if he disobeys him. The Bog, which they enter when Sarah kisses Hoggle (something that jareth said would send him their immediately), is a festering swamp filled w/ fart noises & most likely smells proficiently like shit.
They find Ludo & meet an equestrian fox noble thing that tells them they cannot pass the bridge unless defeat him. Ludo does. They get his permission & Hoggle runs across first. The bridge breaks when Sarah tries to cross, leaving her hanging on a branch over the Bog, which will also make you smell as bad if you touch it. Ludo summons rocks for stepping stones that fart when you step on them. They all pass as well as the fox, Sir Didymus, who rides on a dog similar to Merlin, called Ambrosious that has a penchant for pussying out when trouble rears.
Sarah whines that shes hungry & Hoggle gives her a poisoned peach that Jarerth ordered him to give to her. She starts trippin on it & blacks out. She wakes up in a ballroom masquerade & dances w/ Jareth. She sees that the time has gone down severely & shatters a window w/ a chair, saving her from the intoxicating dream & song.
She wakes up in a dump,amniesiac, meeting a bitchy merchant women covered in junk. She takes Sarah to her room identical to her real one & starts piling her favorite stuff on her so that she could become a creepy junk hag materialist like her. Sarah sees the book & remembers her mission, the room then collapses & Ludo & Didymus salvage her from the wreck. They go to the gate to Goblin City guarded seemingly by one inept guard, who Didymus smacks claiming he'll kick his ass, because Didymus is a overconfident dumbass.
They drag him away and are met by a bigass robot named Humungous
It looks really pissed off.
Hoggle shows up & knocks off Humungous head & tosses out the pilot. He eventually breaks it & they go to Goblin City. They fight armies of Goblins until Ludo summons more rocks that crush all the goblins.
Sarah goes into the castle & claims that she must face Jareth alone, because thats "the way its supposed to be" or i guess like in her book.
Jareth's room is a recreation of M.C. Escher famous painting.
There's another creepy song as Jareth stalks Sarah as she tries to catch the gravity-defying Toby. Eventually, she jumps from a very high spot to catch Toby & instead falls into a new plane of existance w/ Jareth wearing what looks like several swans bodies. He tells he'll do anything if she will become his subordinate & let him be more than her weird fantasy. She uses the lines from the beginning of the movie to destroy him & the Labyrinth.
She wakes up in her room & finds Toby in bed. She sees her Labyrinth buddies in the mirror of her room & says she'll always needs them, inciting a party. Outside, we see the Jareth-owl watching her & it flies off.
Thats Labyrinth. Best kids-movie ive seen in a while.
Connely & Bowie make a great acting pair. Its funny & action packed.
The music is very Bowie & therefore very 80s.
Its the 80s fantasy movie.
All the movie with the less you have to see of it. I just saved an hour or so of your life.
Not that it would be wasted watching this great film. Id say its full w/ continuity errors but they can easily all be explained. Its the Labyrinth, nothing supposed to stay the same or make sense.
If you dont believe me, wiki it. or imdb it
Fallen Angels
I'm on a roll in that im doing two blogs in one day.
this one obsesses around Fallen Angels
NO, not demons
NO, not a video game
NO, not a band
Fallen Angels was an 80s comic spinoff of Marvel's kid-classic New mutants
It told the tale of a shitty villain named the Vanisher (obvious teleportation powers) who helped a bunch of superhuman weirdos steal from people & eventually fight cosmic villainry
His first recruit is Gomi whose name is Nihonngo for "junk"
He is so shiny that he doesnt realize his brother & his brother's super scientist bud call him trash, gassed him & turned into a cyborg because they thought theyd be able to bag Jean Grey if they did (Really!)
He now has super psychic shoves he releases. His bro & his bud also created two super, get this,
to aid him. They apparently dont do anything. One of them is destroyed when Devil Dinosaur ( a giant red dino from a prehistoric dimension) steps on him.
The second is Ariel
NO, not a mermaid
An alien. She can open a portal to anywhere by opening a door
Seriously.
She can also fool anyone to believe what she says.
The next is Chance,
NO, not the annoying Spidey-villain
A mutant that can "double or nothing" other mutants powers
She becomes Ariels best friend after being rescued from an evil slave-drive like church that forces her to sell calenders (REALLY!)
The mutant Boom-Boom, (theyd didnt have creative names back then) as usual, started trouble with the X-Men & got his ass kicked to the curb. She joined when she needed someone else to annoy.
New Mutant Sunspot accidentally hurt his buddy Cannonball & got emo & ran off along w/ Multiple Man (obvious power), Siryn (Banshee's annoying daughter), & Warlock (a techno-alien with low common sense or knowedge of the planet)
In order to hang out, they use Chance & Ariel's powers & go to Devil Dino dimension & meet him & his owner, a Tennessee & Geico-hated caveman named Moon Boy, Wolvie's distant ancestor.
Then they all went to Ariel's home planet where they were all captured & experimented upon.
They broke free & left forever.
The New Mutants went back to the X-Mansion
Chance, Ariel, & Gomi were almost never heard from again.
Gomi was mentioned as a "maybe, maybe not" for the Initiative
Devil Dino & Moon-Boy go back to their own dimension, & about 7 or 8 times get teleported back here, usually involving magic. They now live in the Savage Land, a prehistoric spot in Antarctica
Sunspot is still in the X-Men
Multiple Man is a detective w/ an acute MPD (almost laughably)
Siryn is sad & emo because her father got hit by a plane (REALLY!)
Boom-Boom (now w/ the cool moniker Meltdown) is part of the Initiative
Warlock was killed & so was his friend Cypher (NO, not the Matrix) & they fused. They are now called Douglock (lack of Creativity) I imagine when he was still all robot-alien he would talk like a Dalek, but now he would talk like Brainiac or something like that.
Oh, I dont own any of these characters, Marvel & other people do.
If you don't believe me, wiki it.
this one obsesses around Fallen Angels
NO, not demons
NO, not a video game
NO, not a band
Fallen Angels was an 80s comic spinoff of Marvel's kid-classic New mutants
It told the tale of a shitty villain named the Vanisher (obvious teleportation powers) who helped a bunch of superhuman weirdos steal from people & eventually fight cosmic villainry
His first recruit is Gomi whose name is Nihonngo for "junk"
He is so shiny that he doesnt realize his brother & his brother's super scientist bud call him trash, gassed him & turned into a cyborg because they thought theyd be able to bag Jean Grey if they did (Really!)
He now has super psychic shoves he releases. His bro & his bud also created two super, get this,
cyborg lobsters
to aid him. They apparently dont do anything. One of them is destroyed when Devil Dinosaur ( a giant red dino from a prehistoric dimension) steps on him.
The second is Ariel
NO, not a mermaid
An alien. She can open a portal to anywhere by opening a door
Seriously.
She can also fool anyone to believe what she says.
Shes a mutant/alien/runaway/compulsive liar
The next is Chance,
NO, not the annoying Spidey-villain
A mutant that can "double or nothing" other mutants powers
She becomes Ariels best friend after being rescued from an evil slave-drive like church that forces her to sell calenders (REALLY!)
The mutant Boom-Boom, (theyd didnt have creative names back then) as usual, started trouble with the X-Men & got his ass kicked to the curb. She joined when she needed someone else to annoy.
New Mutant Sunspot accidentally hurt his buddy Cannonball & got emo & ran off along w/ Multiple Man (obvious power), Siryn (Banshee's annoying daughter), & Warlock (a techno-alien with low common sense or knowedge of the planet)
In order to hang out, they use Chance & Ariel's powers & go to Devil Dino dimension & meet him & his owner, a Tennessee & Geico-hated caveman named Moon Boy, Wolvie's distant ancestor.
Then they all went to Ariel's home planet where they were all captured & experimented upon.
They broke free & left forever.
The New Mutants went back to the X-Mansion
Chance, Ariel, & Gomi were almost never heard from again.
Gomi was mentioned as a "maybe, maybe not" for the Initiative
Devil Dino & Moon-Boy go back to their own dimension, & about 7 or 8 times get teleported back here, usually involving magic. They now live in the Savage Land, a prehistoric spot in Antarctica
Sunspot is still in the X-Men
Multiple Man is a detective w/ an acute MPD (almost laughably)
Siryn is sad & emo because her father got hit by a plane (REALLY!)
Boom-Boom (now w/ the cool moniker Meltdown) is part of the Initiative
Warlock was killed & so was his friend Cypher (NO, not the Matrix) & they fused. They are now called Douglock (lack of Creativity) I imagine when he was still all robot-alien he would talk like a Dalek, but now he would talk like Brainiac or something like that.
Oh, I dont own any of these characters, Marvel & other people do.
If you don't believe me, wiki it.
Bubble Bobble
I don't know how this copyright stuff works, so straight out I will say that I don't anything of or related to Bubble Bobble except a copy of Bubble Bobble Revolution.
Bubble Bobble is an older game that people still think is interesting. Or Taito (the creators) do at least. It stars two dinosaurs, Bub & Bob, (or Bubblin & Bobblin, they change it often) who fight through 100 levels of random monsters who go faster than crack when you get to the end.
Apparently their some kind of story to it. 2 actually, one from Japan & our shorter version
Japan: Giant drunk "Grampa" and his army of drunks & monsters kidnap your girlfriends for no reason.
America:Elves that throw hammers do the same thing
I dont know how drunk translates to elf w/ hammer but apparently it does.
Its been remade 3 or 4 times along w/ some sort of sequel called Rainbow Isles.
I call the random act of kidnapping someone the "Slashstab Theory"
According to the the Slashstab theory, someone bigger & stronger than you will kidnap something dear to you as long as they know you like it.
This stems from a show I cant remember when a villain called Lord Slashstab (WHOM I DONT OWN EITHER) speaks
"I shall steal this mystical lamp for no particular reason"
He's riding like a dragon & laughs evilly afterward. what a douche
The games graphics are good due that the original came out when Atari didn't make well known DBZ games but instead 8-Bit impossible-to-beat games.
The gameplay is addictively irritant.
The levels consist of a room filled with x amount of enemies who move in a set pattern.
Being a small dino your weapon (instead of teeth or rage) are magical bubbles that emit from your mouth & capture (not kill) your enemy, which you have to pop before they break out, get really pissed & kill you instead.
You also have about a 15 second time limit to do this in
You wont die but an annoying skull head will stalk you & run into & kill you if you don't kill everyone automatically.
And for some reason they turn into fruit or trophies after you tear their bodies asunder w/ depressurized death bubbles.
By level 99 the monsters are hell to kill cause they move faster than Flash on crack. also if you dont ride your bubbles just right, youll fall into an inescapable hole, nothing except Skull man will kill you then.
the final boss is a giant version of the usual elves.
He throws bottles (drunk) & keeps his weakness near him, like most villains do so for some reason. his weakness is two lightning marked bottles near him which you have to get, then shoot him w/ new lightning bubbles you get. Eventually, he too will be encased in a bubble you can depressurize immmediately & pop.
The end I have yet to reach because most of the lower levels ie 88-99 need two players or a godly amount of patience to win.
There is a cheat however that create a soda can that kills everything on screen when you touch it. (?????)
Oh, & when you die, you go back to the last level you died in, unlike the impossible other Atari games where u just start over.
the game itself is addictive. you will hate it & love it at the same time.
It gets 5 out 10 WTFs
WTF being an abbreviation for something & my way of rating things.
1 is serious boring & stupid
while 10 is trippy, confusing, but the most fun youve ever had.
If you don't believe, wiki it.
Bubble Bobble is an older game that people still think is interesting. Or Taito (the creators) do at least. It stars two dinosaurs, Bub & Bob, (or Bubblin & Bobblin, they change it often) who fight through 100 levels of random monsters who go faster than crack when you get to the end.
Apparently their some kind of story to it. 2 actually, one from Japan & our shorter version
Japan: Giant drunk "Grampa" and his army of drunks & monsters kidnap your girlfriends for no reason.
America:Elves that throw hammers do the same thing
I dont know how drunk translates to elf w/ hammer but apparently it does.
Its been remade 3 or 4 times along w/ some sort of sequel called Rainbow Isles.
I call the random act of kidnapping someone the "Slashstab Theory"
According to the the Slashstab theory, someone bigger & stronger than you will kidnap something dear to you as long as they know you like it.
This stems from a show I cant remember when a villain called Lord Slashstab (WHOM I DONT OWN EITHER) speaks
"I shall steal this mystical lamp for no particular reason"
He's riding like a dragon & laughs evilly afterward. what a douche
The games graphics are good due that the original came out when Atari didn't make well known DBZ games but instead 8-Bit impossible-to-beat games.
The gameplay is addictively irritant.
The levels consist of a room filled with x amount of enemies who move in a set pattern.
Being a small dino your weapon (instead of teeth or rage) are magical bubbles that emit from your mouth & capture (not kill) your enemy, which you have to pop before they break out, get really pissed & kill you instead.
You also have about a 15 second time limit to do this in
You wont die but an annoying skull head will stalk you & run into & kill you if you don't kill everyone automatically.
And for some reason they turn into fruit or trophies after you tear their bodies asunder w/ depressurized death bubbles.
By level 99 the monsters are hell to kill cause they move faster than Flash on crack. also if you dont ride your bubbles just right, youll fall into an inescapable hole, nothing except Skull man will kill you then.
the final boss is a giant version of the usual elves.
He throws bottles (drunk) & keeps his weakness near him, like most villains do so for some reason. his weakness is two lightning marked bottles near him which you have to get, then shoot him w/ new lightning bubbles you get. Eventually, he too will be encased in a bubble you can depressurize immmediately & pop.
The end I have yet to reach because most of the lower levels ie 88-99 need two players or a godly amount of patience to win.
There is a cheat however that create a soda can that kills everything on screen when you touch it. (?????)
Oh, & when you die, you go back to the last level you died in, unlike the impossible other Atari games where u just start over.
the game itself is addictive. you will hate it & love it at the same time.
It gets 5 out 10 WTFs
WTF being an abbreviation for something & my way of rating things.
1 is serious boring & stupid
while 10 is trippy, confusing, but the most fun youve ever had.
If you don't believe, wiki it.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Sleep? hahhahahahahahhaahhaa ha!
Sleep, something I dont do much of or not enough of.
I probably need some sort of working thing for this.
But that is why I post in middle of night. or day? its 5 am i dont know
More on comics & crap like that tomorrow.
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